Hey ya’ll! I wanna tell ya a story about the White
Trashiest Shopping Center in Denver! This fucking shithole has everything the
aspiring redneck wants and desires! It’s located in North Denver close to Iliff
and Quebec, and is built on the grounds of an important battle or some such
shit, yo! Every day another battle is being fought here on these same grounds.
The battle that’s being fought there now, man, is the battle against good
taste!
The centerpiece of this Mecca of Redneckery is the Big
Lot’s store. You know fucking Big Lot’s right? This is the place where the
people who can’t afford Wal-Mart’s low fucking prices shop, right? In other
words it’s a fucking shithole. Shopping here brings a taste of the “exotic” to
the white trash experience. The place is literally filled tits-to-the-fucking
ceiling with Hannah Montana merchandise, sad clothes, closeout tools,
nearly-expired food, and DVD’s of movies you’ve probably never even fucking
heard of, yo! If you're excitable you might just lose your damn mind in
here!
Right fuckin’ next door is the ARC Thrift Store. So you and
your broke-ass, snot-nosed, rug rats can spend your last fifteen dollars on shit
you don’t fucking need and will probably forget after a few hours. The ARC
Thrift Store is where dreams come to die, bitch! You could literally spend
mother-fucking all damn day sorting through the leftovers of other people’s
broken lives, yo! You know that saying, “One man’s trash is another man’s
treasure”? Whatever asshole said that has never set foot inside a fucking ARC
store, man! This shit is overpriced trash! You know why people donate their shit
to thrift stores? Because it’s garbage that they don’t fucking want no
more!
Walk a few feet past the ARC, and you’ll run right fucking
smack into the Family Dollar. Family Dollar is a mockery of all the good things
that the word family stands for. They got cheap food, shitty batteries, cheap
toiletries, hell bitch, this joint’s even got clothes for you and your white
trash brood! I know all you beer drinkin’, mouth breathin’, mother-fuckers are
drooling right now for those cheap socks and underwear!
If you keep going there’s a literal damn plethora of shit
to spend all your unemployment checks on! There’s the coin operated laundry so
you bitches can wash your Hershey-stained tightie whities. There’s the Cricket
store where you can get a cheap cell phone. Right next door there’s the goddamn
tattoo place, so you can get that tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil fucking Bambi or
whatever fucked up shit you rednecks dream about. Finally you can join the
motha’-fuckin’ Navy, son! There's even a Naval recruiter inside this shit,
ya'll!
If you’re hungry, and want something more than Little
Debbie cakes to shove down your piehole, and if you have some spare cizash, then
you’re in luck! Just to add a little class to the whole she-bang, and one would
hope some diversity, the place boasts a Mexican restaurant, and a Korean Pho
place! I can’t say anything bad about these places. No seriously, I love the
food. You could also choose to eat at Sonic, I guess. But who the hell eats
there? Oh yeah white trash folk! Hell!
So you’re tattooed, you’ve joined the Navy, you ate, the
laundries done, you bought some cheap consumer goods, and you’ve got your shitty
new cellphone, so what’s next? Get drunk bitches! You can do that here too!
There’s even a fucking sports bar up in this joint! Shiiiit! What more do you
want son? So, all you white trash folk get into your shitty station wagons,
pick-up trucks, and mini-vans with all your Nascar stickers, Broncos flags, and
ribbon magnets that are made in fucking China, rob a liquor store, and get your
selves down here now, bitches!
